This post has been in the works for a few months, really. And I just now am feeling the push to write it. Can I be transparent for a bit? I have been more broken these last months leading up to our move to Oregon than possibly ever in my life. God began showing me what was in my heart that had been hidden for a long time. I am addicted to anger. Well, more to the power I feel when I get angry. There is a control that anger and fits of rage brings…or more appropriately stated, a perception of control. I would use anger with my kids and try to use it with my husband when I felt out of control & wanted one of them to comply. With my kids, it would work. I would yell, be harsh with my words, and rough with the way I handled them, and they would obey. But I crushed their spirits. I could see it in their faces, the pain, the fear I was causing. And I didn’t like it. But I couldn’t seem to stop. Thus why I called it an addiction. I am now on a road to recovery. Just like other addictions it is a process of recognizing, repentance, restitution, and a daily renewing of my heart before the Lord. I read recently that following Jesus is a moment by moment choice to put His will above ours. And so, this is my daily discipline: put Jesus first, let go of anger and that false sense of control and take on a heavenly perspective.
This spoke to me deeply yesterday. Since moving, I have been horrible. Mean and disrespectful to Talan, impatient with my kids, and just plain cranky! I was feeling so miserable. And of course, eating junk to feel better, which as you all know, only makes you feel worse. The things of this world just do not cut it. They aren’t enough. They leave me empty and longing. And so, finally, I went to God. I took a quiet moment to let Him speak to me. To let Him show me my heart once again. Like David prayed, “Search me, oh God and know my heart…” (Psalm 139:23) It is not easy to ask that. Our hearts get pretty ugly if we’re honest. He showed me how self-focused I had been. And man, was I miserable only thinking about my self! I had been so concerned with my needs and how everything was affecting me that I had no energy to think or care about anyone else’s needs. I would even get annoyed by the needs of those around me (my loving husband and darling children). It was as if I was saying, “How dare they need something today! I am tired! I have all these things to do!”
I need Jesus. I need Him so badly. Every moment of every day.
“Listen carefully: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you’ll have it forever, real and eternal. If any of you wants to serve me, then follow me. Then you’ll be where I am, ready to serve at a moment’s notice. The Father will honor and reward anyone who serves me.” John 12:24-26 MSG (emphasis added)
Maybe you feel like I do today. Okay, don’t let shame take hold. You may be wondering what should I do about it? It is much easier than you may think. I will give you one word repent. There is power in repentance. To repent means to turn. Pray. Take a quiet moment to get real with Jesus. Ask Him to show you your heart. Then repent and ask Him to change you. Then keep choosing Him, moment by moment.